No, it’s not that I was deeply distressed. I just didn’t know what to do. So I kept moving forward,tearing through the tape along the way, without understanding why I was doing any of it.

That’s how I ended up in a small town called Saint George, at Dixie State College. And all I wanted was one thing.

To get drunk.

It seemed like I had come a long way – from North Dakota to Yellowstone – with a weird group of people. They lived in the church close to restaurant “El Ranch” where I worked. This trip was exhausting because I didn’t know these guys. They were always fighting during the trip. One wanted to kill another.

“Hey Ilya do you have a few dollars for our beer?”

“No” I said immediately “the money I earned are for my life in Utah, to start a new life here in my favorite country in the world”

They would laugh and say something “Yeah man you gonna love this place haha”

So… I’m in Utah. Saying goodbye to my gang, but they are staying here for a week anyway. Michael’s (one of the guys, a driver) parents house is on the heel and parents are not at home. When they entered his house one thing they agreed to do quickly (as I haven’t seen them doing that before) – they went to smoke weed to the backyard. There was a small shed and we all entered there, I was the last as I smoked a cigarette outside.

“Hey dude you’re next come here what the fuck?” Someone said from the shed full of smoke.

“I am already smoking”

“Dude, are fucking coming or you gonna cry? Haha”

I entered and smoked a few times. We laughed and laughed until Michael announced that we need to go to Thrifty store in the downtown.

“That’s where you guys can drop me?” I asked as I was accepted to the college via letters but I didn’t know if they needed English entry exam again… I studied English in Ukraine and was dreaming never studying this again – in my best years. I wanted to check on the reception.

I ended up that day confuse everyone at the campus asking too many questions and one lady told me

“You need to go through the English course and then start studying. We will show your place”

We went to student dormitory and I met new friends: one Ukrainian kid and another big American guy. We went to the supermarket immediately to buy some stuff. I bought cereals and milk. I smoked outside when Ukrainian guy started asking cool questions and being fun, me were on the same “wave” and he invited me to his friends later.

Next day first class. And realisation I can’t stand these people, teacher, boring words etc. What hated were the students – like a fucking idiots looking at their books. I feel like studying is not working for me. I feel like I can’t study here.

Oh fucking dear gods.

(screaming multiple times)

Oh poets of the world.

(staring at the sky, pain is incredibly intense)

What went wrong?

What made me start suffering instantly, right after the very first class?

What kind of unease settled inside my small, immigrant soul?

“Fear” you would say.

“A trembling, shrill shiver of change” poets would whisper.